The fork paused halfway to Dashiell’s mouth and he stared at her with a look of horror frozen on his face. “Oh, come on
Suddenly she burst out laughing. “Oh God Dash. You’re too easy. You should see the look on your face.” She covered her mouth with a napkin as she chuckled. Dashiell just shook his head.
“You’d think by now I’d recognize your humor,” he grumped.
“Oh come on now, Dash. Don’t be like that.”
He chuckled. “Alright. You got me good,
Her eyes twinkled. “By my count, it’s closer to nine.”
“Oh, so you want to play it that way?”
“Yeah, Dash,” she said, examining a shrimp on her fork. “I think I do.” She bit down into the shrimp savagely.
He just shook his head and tucked into his meal.
After a few minutes, he asked, “What about you,
She looked around the restaurant and gestured with her fork. “And leave all this?” She chuckled. “I’m sure there’s something. But that’s so far in the future. I’ve got at least 10 until I’m vested. Once that happens….who knows?”
“At least they won’t be shutting down Metro anytime soon. I was 10 years on the job when they shut down the Bureau.”
“You seem to be doing alright for yourself. After all, you can afford to treat a lady to a meal like this.”
He looked amused. “So I’m treating now, am I?”
“Of course,” she nodded knowingly. “You’ll just charge the Department for it as an expense anyway.”
He laughed out loud and then drained his Diet Coke. “You’ve got that right. You’re halfway to being a private detective already.”
“Is that an offer?” she arched her eyebrow.
“Ask me in 10 years, when you vest,” he teased.
She rolled her eyes. “With my luck, some demon will have sucked out your soul. Or your shrunken head will be decorating some witch doctor’s mantle.”
“Never gonna happen,” Dashiell said.
“How can you be so sure?”
“Simple. These days, witch doctors use all their shrunken heads as key chains.”
7 comments:
Honestly --
I think that the dialogue between Dash and Regina was a bit flat in this chapter.
It seemed as if you were trying to write good natured teasing to create a type of conflict between the two, but it feels directionless.
also: "he teased" is unnecessary. We know they're mostly teasing each other. It's also telling, not showing.
Thanks for the comments. I'm trying to do some character development here, and I admit dialogue is not my strong point. If you have any specific recommendations for livening it up, I'd appreciate it.
Every word needs to advance the story.
Every dialogue needs to do two things:
1. Advance the story.
2. Develop character.
It's best if these two are done at the same time.
My recommendation to you will be to get them away from lunch and get them back into the story.
Throw something at them. Put them in a situation. Show us how they react to the events happening in the story and dialogue will come on its own.
What I usually did for my own character developement is write character sketches (short stories designed to illustrate why a certain character has this or that motive or why he is the way he is in the story). Sometimes I was able to incorporate these into the main plot, other times not but I find them to be a great help.
Yeah, they are definately going back to the main plot in the next chapter, and I debated sending them back this chapter, but decided to try some more back and forth. I guess I need to consider cutting it down.
Thanks.
Okay, here's the thing. For one thing, the dialogue itself is okay. Sometimes it's really funny.
But I think it's too soon for a character-building conversation, when there's a plot afoot. It seems like a pause: picture Roadrunner and Coyote chasing each other and then a buzzer goes, they sit and eat lunch, then get up and chase again. Weird pacing.
However, if you treat this story as a serial (which you will) then it is episodic, and that means you will have plenty of chances to have fun, witty banter, lunchtime conversations, etc. You can stretch it out. Mulder and Scully had personal moments outside of work that had nothing to do with an episode's plot, but had everything to do with ongoing character development and the romantic sub-plot, see?
Now, the way to save it is to have Regina say something to the effect of "Seriously, are you going to investigate?" and Dash comes back with "I'm already trailing a suspect," and nods at someone sitting at the next table. You get what I'm saying -- his investigative methods don't have to look like the usual detective work. Maybe lunch WAS part of the plot.
That's not a bad idea. Please sign this release, acknowledging no ownership of said idea. ;)
done!
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